For the first time in a very VERY long time, my mind doesn't feel caged of mixed emotions buried inside of me. I'm thankful to be honest, alive, and accepting of my emotions and flaws that I've seen from myself. I want to stop seeing myself constantly in 'survival mode' that drains out my energy.

It's been hectic these past few months trying to create a safe online resource center for those looking to learn about their mental health or find help. At the time when I wanted to learn about it, it really felt like an endless loop of uncertainty for me. When I wasn't ready to seek help from a counselor or therapist yet, I tried opening myself up to people who I thought were close to me then. Some were very supportive that I'm glad to see myself closer with till this day. Others were just distant with me after or expected me to go through a speedy recovery.

At the time when I hadn't learned about my emotional abuse trauma, I knew there was something that was holding me down for decades that I couldn't puzzle the piece. It made me very unclear of my emotions. I just told myself, since I was a kid, to just push my feelings aside and focus on getting good grades in elementary school all the way till now. As I got older, not only was I holding onto trauma from my childhood, but I was also building it up to the point there was no room to sweep it under the rug any longer. I remember trying to slowly open up to people about my issues with social anxiety and depression, but I remembered at first it started with support. As time progressed it started to divide into different groups of people.

There were those group of people who still supported and listened to how I felt during my bumpy journey of understanding my mind. And there were those who got exhausted that I wasn't quickly recovering.

I started to gaslight myself into thinking I was to blame for putting myself into an emotional abuse situation when I was little. I remember telling myself, "Well if I was tougher enough to put up with it, I wouldn't have any trauma today." I remember being told by someone that I was a burden to hang with, because they felt like I was always depressed when being around.

Overtime, I had to teach myself and destigmatize the ideology of what I was being told as my emotions were not valid. I needed to tell myself that depression is not something you can control 24/7. It is something that can last for a month, years, or decades depending on the severity of it.

Hearing that to some people I was the "burden to hang out with" truthfully did hurt. But I needed to hear it. Not only did this open my eyes to, at first, decrease my time spent with them, but I also persevered myself to understand how flawed the conversation about mental health was. We are always taught to support one another when struggling. But when it comes to the actual conversation about our mental illness, some tend to walk away from it. We don't need to put ourselves in another person's shoe to understand their situation, but we can be a good person by supporting and listening and being there with them through their healing journey.

Till this day I'm still constantly reminding myself that I am only human. Being able to feel angry, sad, or joyful is understanding. Being able to open up about my insecurities doesn't make me any weaker, it just makes me be a human being.

Today I am more focused on the idea of quality over quantity. I remembered being told that by having a lot of friends meant you had a happier social life. It's obviously clear to many of us that the idea is 100% false. You could have just one friend that honestly is the best quality of what a friend should be. And by having that, it honestly fills the gaps of you thinking you should have more. Not saying that introducing yourself to more people is bad, but setting mindset that quality is better than quantity.

Social media has been a funky ride for me. It has its ups and downs. It's nice to share a few aspects of your life, but the downside of being online is always constantly seeing everyone be out on their own days, but you feel like you're not doing enough for yourself.

I can't control what goes on around me, but I can control how I react to it.

Time has passed, and instead of self-loathing myself for not doing enough, I'm happy to have days where I just spend it either going to the library on the weekend, going to the gym by myself, or honestly just being at home. It's taken time for me to get use to that, but I've been more content in accepting the joy for independence more.

I am bound to have my best days. I am bound to also have my worst days. There will be days that could take weeks or months or years to recover, but what I do know is that I am glad to learn about how I can understand why I feel like that, rather than circling around for solutions.

I'm always constantly reminding myself that I am just a human. Not a product. Not a burden. And certainly not a weak person.

When the year 2020 happened and lockdown occurred, I felt really hopeless with my content page. I felt like the 'Nate Dang' website (*before My Chimera Story existed) was becoming pointless. I wanted to branch out more. At the time I just focused on interior design. But with COVID that was happening around that time, I felt the need to speak up about mental health.

I needed to step out of my comfort zone and do a 180 rebrand on myself.

When I finally launched the My Chimera Story, it felt so nice to be able to discuss so many topics that went under the topic of 'overcoming obstacles'. I felt like it was the perfect brand and name for myself. I'm proud of what I was trying to accomplish.

Although having the topic of mental health was in the air, it wasn't enough for me.

I wanted to do more than just post affirmations. I wanted to show the public my best and worst self to be as authentic as possible with my emotions.

This was when I was considering launching a mental health online resource center. I really toyed with the idea of creating a space on my website for those who want to educate themselves about mental health. I felt like affirmations are one thing but taking these affirmations and educating ourselves about our emotions is a step further.

I don't know where this will take me in the future. It could either do nothing or help a person. Even if it's only one person I am helping, that is enough for me to feel like I am taking a step in the right direction to help further provide the right information on how we can better discuss mental health on a crucial matter. I hope by having a place where you can understand your mental health, you can also feel the same way to.

To visit 'The Chimera Shift' click here to be redirected.